Middle life crisis, familiar? Who does it affect most? Is it an obligatory stage to matrimonial pairs? If so, who’s the expatriate that came up with such a discovery, I enthusiastically need an in-depth enlightenment.

Hey, wassup? Talk to me, this one doesn’t seem like the rest of the ‘American dream’ thoughts. You are barely drunk and one of your compadre looks miserable, what is it? You know your trust is safe with me, right?

“Leo munaweza itisha mpaka makali, bill kwangu!” shouted Jaber as brochettes of khat bits from his mouth filled the half empty keg jag on the permanent jua kali table spread by tusker kitambaa. Anyway, who cared, he was paying the bills!

“Naona salo ya ‘sweet mama’ leo imekuja mapema!” said Chalkman. “Hebu kwanza tuma punch hapo ni livebet hii game ya Atletico, muhindi lazima alambe lolo leo,” he continued.

It was a wonder that today Chalkman succeeded to walk alone, he never walks alone unless his girlfriend gets a visit from ‘aunty shiro’ or she’s not around that we sometimes think huwa anakaliwa chapati but on the bright side, this was good example of the famous boy child quote, ‘bros over ho**’.

“Gus! Guys! Let’s focus on what brought us here, of course I know it’s alcohol but apart from that, our friend Puffman has just confessed to us that his parents are going through a middle life crisis and needs emotional support through this situation,” said Jaber.

Damn! So the NIGGER too can be focused! Yes we know he can but we assume he can’t. He’s physiognomies are comparable to those of fu*** boys, always single-minded, wao hutenda tu! Then regret later when she knocks at the door with a pregnancy test.

Pause! Since when did ‘Kwa njoro local pub’ become a confession box? Look around, do you see a pulpit, do you see crosses, do you see anyone that would dare care if you cried out loud in pain? I don’t think so, they will assume ‘pombe inafanya kazi yake sasa’. One stenches sin immediately they step on this pub’s door.

See those ladies at the far corner, they call themselves ‘independent ladies’ because they are single and own a bedsitter, undergraduates at that luxurious neighborhood cloistered university, rarely attend classes but you’ll always find them here drinking and smoking huku wakipiga kelele na kucheka kama Malaya just to attract men’s attention. Later when ‘zao zimeshika’ the three of you wake up with each one of them by your bed side (this is what Chalkman calls goal-goal stake!).

What about those…

“MEH8GBBAXLC Confirmed. Ksh 3000 sent to Kwa njoros local pub…. Mathee , mimi nimepata message, imefika kwako pia?” Jaber interrupted.

Damn! I wish they knew how angry I get each time I’m interrupted!

So, Puffman, my closest, first born, three siblings, dad and mom all employed but not living together because of their work locations. Both cheating, drunkards, about to divorce and the worst part, they think the kids don’t know.

My advice, quit smoking, quit alcohol, quit the break ups saga, quit, quit until you quit the quitting thought, leave as early as now, go pray to your God, tell Him your problems then on Sunday, walk your sinful arse to a real church that has a confession box, yes, the one with a real priest and a pulpit, then confess. Oh, plus all the money that you spend on drugs almost every day, (you know I just put that ‘almost’ there to moderate, we know it’s an everyday thing) use it to pay pledges, tithes and offering then after three weeks,  tell me how it goes.

“Mr. Nice guy, you’ve been so quiet today, what about you, what do you have to say?” asked Puffman.

Do you really need my advice…?

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I think inside the box 📦

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2 Comments

Sharon chepng’etich May 22, 2018 at 7:18 pm

Awesome piece there

    Kevin Ojiambo May 23, 2018 at 12:59 am

    I think men should also be allowed to blush 😊😁

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