Bishop’s hard labour

By Osanya Mahanda

Once again, the devil was defeated, cast out and the floor mopped after him from a popular drinking hole in Ongata Rongai. Activities at the pub – sorry – church where a congregation of drunkards, fornicators and ruffians gather to commune and murder Keg beer was sent into disarray after the evil one slipped the lead priest (bar tender) into sin causing him to eat Sister Anne, a toothy waitress from Samburu whom all congregants coveted but none dared eat because she was game meat to be consumed only by the owner (of the pub) and bishop of the church.

See, the Gospel according to the Bishop of the church dictated that all pretty sisters hired to serve the holy frothy brew first taste his rod as a test on their (sweet)ability to keep revellers, sorry, congregants drunk, lustful and satisfied. Tradition changed when Bishop, a loaded government officer, hired 22-year-old Sister Anne, got himself smitten by her nilotic charm and made her his alpha and omega. From waiting tables, Sister Anne was promoted to mother superior, supervisor of church activities and mistress to the bishop. The two became close like two peas in a pod only to be separated by the devil who broke free from the loins of the lead priest and slithered into Sister Anne.

James, a committed congregant and gifted choir member who sings one too many a secret when consumed by Kenya Cane spirit sung a tune to this writer, ‘ Anne always wanted Ian – the bar tender even though Ian was in a steady relationship. Ian alijaribu kukataa story zake lakini hakufaulu. Urembo wa Anne ulitoa nyoka ya Ian pangoni.’ Word has it that most nights after the pub owner left Anne’s house to reconnect with his wife and family, our light skinned bird from Samburu invited Ian to her bedsitter. And the bar tender would hack Anne into heightened pieces of prolonged ecstasy leaving the lass drained, satisfied and all smiles.

But lo! Bishop was steadfast in his prayers. He received a vision (word from the gateman on his payroll) that Sister Anne was dishing out his apple. One night after feasting on the forbidden fruit Bishop kissed Sister Anne goodnight and left only to return an hour later. He knocked casually and when an unsuspecting Anne unlocked her door he hurled himself in landing on poor Ian pummeling his lead priest with blows, kicks, blows again yelling, ‘kwanini unanidharau hivi?! Yaani huna ata heshima? Huna ata huruma?’ News of the altercation reverberated through the church causing a tremor that divided congregants. Most arguing that Sister Anne was a cheerful giver and the Lord loved a cheerful giver. The priest was excommunicated, Sister Anne fled to Samburu and Bishop, well returned to being Bishop.

It’s just recently in the spirit of embrace and building bridges that Bishop remembered the forgive 70-times-70 line by the son of man. He reached out to his priest, shook hands with him, embraced and reinstated him. Sister Anne is back to the fold with a baby bump to show for the fruits of Bishops hard labour and the result of their reconciliation.

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