Miss Wigs

“Gooosh!  Niache! Dude you can’t afford me!” She yelled. But was the jamaa to leave her?  Turns out jamaa had developed feelings towards her while still in the meeting and his gods couldn’t just let the hunny go. So he trailed her after the meeting and they are now here (right outside the hall). The conference is over. When all and sundry are shaking hands, hugging, pecking, reconnecting and others getting to know each other, our jamaa  is trying his luck with the chick. Guy is in cream-white khakis, a white tee, a grey blazer, and his feet comfortably floating in grey loafers. Not the type of loafers you pick in Gikomba for 1200 bob – not those ones. Kick ass loafers, these ones.

Guy inches closer and again the girl wails, “I’M NOT YOUR TYPE! I TOLD YOU HUWEZI-NI-AFFORD! WHAT DON’T YOU UNDERSTAND!” Now that grabs my attention. Her words literally burst into my ears, then into my brain, then they start looking for any free space in there. Finally, they squeeze themselves on a stool just close to my medula oblangata and settle there – her words. Where they defiantly refuse to leave (just the way that jamaa is refusing to let the chic go).

Lost for words, my eyes still fixed on the two folks causing drama, Cynthia sprints to me for a hug. Unconsciously, I find myself giving her my right side (that girl’s words are now ringing in my head loudly, HUWEZI-NIAFFORD). Really, he can’t afford you, kwani who are you! Are you Rihanna? I’m asking, are you Meghan Markle? Ok, let’s bring it home, ati he can’t afford you! Kwani are you Betty Kyalo?

Have you ever wondered what hunnies mean when they look at you and confidently say ‘you can’t afford me’? While running your eye from toes to head, you realize she’s in flats za soo, black tights that go for 150 bob,  a 15 bob top, and a 200 bob wig floating on her head (Hold on there, what are you hiding in that wig, Iddi Amin? Or are you the guys walking around with our NYS and Eurobond money tucked properly under those kick as wigs? As a matter of fact, I am not going to interact with any chic that has a wig planted on her head. Not any more, unless she tells me what she hides in there! I’ve had enough).

Back to this hunny professing she can’t be afforded, let’s call her Miss Wigs. Well, so miss Wigs (though I doubt you read this blog, let me just address you), do you want to be found lying alongside Chris Musando’s body and later be dumped at the City morgue while Musando’s peacefully rests at The Lee Funeral Home for you to realize you’re not what you think? Eh?  Miss Wigs, are you there? Ok, what particularly on you can’t this guy afford, is it your attitude or that kick ass thing dancing on your head? And why do you think sleeping around with a few struggling celebs improves your worth. Come on, Miss Wigs!  Do you want to reach 35 and realize, after having contracted all the available STI’s, that a campus guy was the right guy you’d have had then?  Do you?


Of course I approached the guy and extracted a few details. Tall composed guy, third year university chap. Guy does film and wants to direct the best movies. Saw this girl and thought they make acquaintances (you never know). Ok, he liked her. Says this was actually the first time he was making an attempt on a girl in three years time. But the response! Now my guy here says he’s even scared approaching any chic because of Miss Wigs here who joined campus juzi and now thinks any fellow campo guy is way below her standards just because she’s fucked a number of celebs around.

I’m sure after that incident, Miss Wigs summoned her council (a council whose only purpose in life is to discuss who between so and so tobokas easily after a night together). The council calls itself “Beauty with Brains.” They even have a WhatsApp group. I’m so certain that that day’s key agenda was this ‘shameless campus broke guy’ that approached her. You’ll ask one of their members if she minds having an affair with a campus guy and she’ll confidently say she can’t because a campus guy has nothing to offer other than sex. With this response, you’ll be tempted to ask “What about doing your assignments and giving you some sort of direction in life?” but instead – just to be on the same page, you’ll ask what else she needs, she will not answer. And because she said a campus guy has nothing else to offer apart from sex, you’ll gain courage and ask what else she too can offer in a relationship apart from sex and that wig of hers, you’ll see her walk away. Same girl will run to these very campus boys to be helped do every assignment!


Hehehe, my Miss Wigs, I have a meeting in five minutes time so I need to hit the shower and get going (never mind I take 2 hours in the shower). But before I leave,  first of all I love you save for that thing floating on your head (throw that thing away). Secondly, what if you changed your attitude and invested more in yourself rather than quick money, a fake lifestyle, and cheap celebrity? Come on, you aren’t such expensive, a good campus guy is just fine for you! Dont you think?


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Achman is a Co founder - Creatives Kenya. Studied journalism and does a gazillion things. In descent places people know him as George Achoka. Email achoka@creativeskenya.com Get him on Twitte here:

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Kevin Ojiambo August 12, 2018 at 5:51 pm

I like man! I like!

    Achman August 12, 2018 at 7:59 pm

    Hahaha, now what do you like, the wigs? Hehe, asante baba.

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