I am not boarding

When you are a twenty-something year old campus guy (or living in the city) and happen not to have secured a stable income source, there are a zillion thoughts that give you headache all the time: one is realizing the fact that you’ll soon be done with campus and aren’t sure where life plans to throw you after graduation, two is knowing you are soon out of school but haven’t identified a chic you can take home to and introduce to your sisters, another worry is realizing that asking for rent from your dad is something you’ll soon need to forget about cause now he has other kids to school and fund, this is also the time you regret all the money and time you’ve wasted on drinking and sleeping around instead of doing something for your tomorrow. But again, thinking about all that, you will bite your lower lip, stretch your arm for the warm coffee mug on the table, you will sip it and say “Things will be fine.” Then you’ll slip into your pyjamas, switch off lights, put your phone away and cover yourself. Hoping for a better next day.

The next day while with your guys, one of the girls defies all odds and asks why you are not seeing anyone. You turn to her and ask if she’s sure she really needs your response on that, she nods.

“You are sure you won’t be offended?” you ask.

“Aaiii! Unless you didn’t get my question.”

“What are you asking this burger, babe?” the boyfriend chimes in.

“Babe, why is he not getting a girlfriend? Ama he also snows the whole night like Ken?” the girl continues whining. At this point, you are tempted to signal your boy to use his brain and ask the babe where she saw Ken snoring the whole night. But because he is so sick in love, and because you don’t want to be responsible for anybody’s breakup, you just smile.

Before the hunny finishes whining, some other chick jumps onto your back and joins the conversation, “Eeeh, atwambie mbona hana mtu!” she insists. She’s so heavy she almost sends you onto the floor. You struggle to find balance. “Nkt! No wonder huna nguvu!” she barks and continues sitting on your back. You want to beg her to come down but decide to act like a gentleman (see what chics make us go though). Look, you are here struggling to breath and find stability because of her weight, but you can’t dare tell her to climb down because she’ll start saying you are not a gentleman and all manner of things. Is there a guy that doesn’t want to be a gentleman here? So because of that, you resolve to persevere her 170 Kgs.

Before you even succumb to her weight and collapse, the other couple is already converting this place into a bedroom – planting kisses on each other all over. That’s what you want me to start doing? You want me to walk around with a person I just met the other day all over in the name of ‘she’s my girlfriend’? Naaah. Look, this guy here hasn’t even enquired who Ken is, but is already losing his senses over his so called babe! Then ati somebody wants me to get into that train called relationship? This is the only point I will fully concur with Miguna Miguna’s famous statement – I am not boarding! And I mean it.

Now listen, for the sake of the two hunnies and anybody else wondering why I’m not ditching bachelorhood, I am not just making noise here. My life as a bachelor is just fine. No complications ati mara oh! Babe today I may come home late… Oh! Babe today some guy said my weave smells like omena so I need money to change it…. Oh! Babe sasa why did you shave your beard… Oh! Babe keep quiet, my dad is calling… Oh! It’s your duty to prepare supper today… Bachelors don’t go through all that. When they have been working the whole day and are fuckin tired, they don’t have to be forced to prepare supper ati because the roster says its their day to cook, no. Why were food kiosks invented? A bachelor strolls across the road, walks into the joint, orders his chapo mandondo, fills himself, adds a glass of water. Comes back and calls it a day.

On Saturdays, a bachelor doesn’t have to force a boxer onto his loins. What for? Come on! It’s Saturday. Provided there are no holes on the door or window, a shirt takes care of the day just fine. I will wake up at 9, make myself coffee, come back to Netflix and kill the day in a shirt and nobody will look at me and roll their eyes and bother me to cover my loins. For bachelors, Saturdays are no-boxer-days.

When I want to go out, I don’t need to tag along another nagging human being in the name of a girlfriend. Say I want to attend the Churchill live recordings at carnivore, 3K is just enough for me – 2K for a VIP ticket and a thousand baab for drinks, a matatu ride to and fro. See, I can even decide to walk from here to carnivore and nobody will call me stingy. No need for calling a freaking uber. I just jump into an Orokise, it drops me at Rafikiz, then I walk slowly to Carnivore. Kwa raha zangu! While at Simba Salon (carnivore), a single bottle of soda or anything is just enough for me my whole time there cause it’s not like I have to impress anybody or prove anything. Or I can even decide to chew bubble gum my entire time there. Nobody will start looking at me suggestively when the next guy is sipping an expensive drink. Nobody will start asking me silly questions like “kwani you didn’t carry extra money for drinks?” Nobody.

 

Heck, I can even launch FIFA the whole day in the room and nobody will ruin my game in the name of I’m denying them attention and time. Oh! I forgot one thing, I can take a thousand selfies with a hundred different girls and put that on my WhatsApp status and all over without any fear. While at it, nobody will say I’m hurting her feelings or acting funny. And it’s not like I’ll have to bar anybody from viewing any of my Status updates.

And on days that I feel like eating outside, I will look for nyama choma but will never come back to the house and face questions like, “Mbona hutaki kula chakula yangu Leo?” Lastly, I can even decide to write such articles and nobody will tell me to delete them. I’m out.

Hehehe.

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Achman is a Co founder - Creatives Kenya. Studied journalism and does a gazillion things. In descent places people know him as George Achoka. Email achoka@creativeskenya.com Get him on Twitte here:

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