Kip is one of those guys that the Man above sent to keep my front teeth kissing the air every moment we kill time together. Guy has stories – both funny and agonizing, but mostly funny. He keeps insulting and embarrassing me even in the most respectful circles, and I keep reminding him that that’s the source of his endless struggles. This one time he walked on me at a Wi-Fi zone watching JKL and started shouting that I was watching porn (hehe God will never forgive you for this one bro). As documented in Deuteronomy, there are abominations God cannot forgive and that’s one of those.
Those days, I had just acquired a laptop and discovered that particular free Wi-Fi spot and would strangle every second of my free time there watching Larry interview Jeff and vise versa – Larry Madowo then hosting NTV’s The Trend while Jeff Koinange still on KTN. Then this ass walks in and from a distance, starts hauling at the glare of over the 30 guys in the hall, that Achman, the son of Mang’eni, is watching porn! Not fair!
So last Sunday, after getting myself a dead animal from the butchery, I say to myself “Ah, si I see how Kip is doing?” cause Kip’s’s house is just 50 meters away, I march there and knock (at least I knock, aye!). Kind notice: If you know we are friends, please never make any of the below dreadful mistakes – one, don’t live close to where I purchase my mboga na vitunguu, two, don’t have your crib close to a chic I’m seeing, lastly, don’t ever reside near my favorite chapos joint. Don’t! Otherwise, you shall never see peace! Anyway, After parking me at the door for 2 minutes, “Come in,” guy responds but his voice sounds like it’s coming from the roof. “Kwani you guys operate from the ceiling siku hizi?” I almost ask but resolve to keep that to myself.
Walking in, I find my guy at the edge of the bed in the corner with a mortein doom in his right arm. Guy is literally running after mosquitoes one by one then spraying them with doom. Kip, I swear with all that experience in capture recapture, if you scored anything less than an A in Biology then all the guys who get A’s in Biology cheat. Come on guys, if you can chase a mosquito, pin in down then do all you want with it, then repeat that procedure until all of the mosquitoes in the room are down, why on earth would you miss an A in Bio? So as Kip does the chasing, the roomie is seated, watching news while cheering him on. So I remove my shoes and start coming up with my recommendations of what about they purchased a net. “Net inaleta cancer!” the roomie responds. Then we all chortle and banter about it before my guy finally climbs down the bed, his doom in hand with an expression of “nitaanzia hapo nikirudi” painted in his face.
So we talk kidogo before Kip starts narrating one of his many escapades. I told you, this jamaa got stories and a million life experiences. Right from running after insects, he’s now narrating an experience about this hunny that came over and just persisted that he (Kip) was not going to eat ‘her forbidden fruit’ that night (these are his own words).
Enjoy (the story, not the forbidden fruit)!
So si Kip meets this hunny and they get talking and later exchange contacts? Then they start chatting kidogokidogo, then they begin flirting on phone. Then Kip promises a few heavens here and there, then of course the hunny buys into Kip’s shenanigans. Then with the frequent texting, they both develop the urge to have dinner pamoja and just be free to do anything – say stroking one’s hair, watching a movie together indoors, counting each other’s ribs, smashing, and stuff. Just being free to do anything.
Then sasa after a couple days they strike up a dinner date. The hunny has to come over. Being the host, Kip has to display his culinary prowess. Then the hunny has to prove to Kip that she not only has brains and an ass but a good ‘game’ too. At about 5:30 pm, Kip calls and the hunny confirms “Yeah, I’m coming.” The excitement! That’s the only time if you told Kip to leak your feet for you to leave the house, he’d leak it and wipe it clean. Of course he won’t do that at your first attempt. For instance, after that call you will tell him “Bro, usiponipea thao mbili sitoki kwa hii nyumba!” then he’ll say “Aiiiii! Si ukae!” You want to win the case? Well, Curl yourself on the couch and busy yourself with a movie. At about 6:30, his ego will collapse and you’ll see him come to you and say earnestly “Bro bana, please. Usinifanye hivyo.” At that moment, make your orders and I swear the guy will grant you whatever you want.
In preparation for the night’s kill, my guy did thorough cleaning and even changed into his best boxers. Dropped by the butchery for half a kilo of maini, then fetched greens and completed his dinner shopping with juice. Then came back whistling and waving at everybody on the way. Very excited in deed.
Then si the hunny comes, and after “you look like you’ve just dropped from Mercury” and “you know I’ve been dying to have a feel of you” and “I’m now here” talk, our guest sinks into a seat. Kip then engages his cookery gear. Our guest is watching some program on TV and once in a while, a loose conversation between them ensues. Kip shouting from the kitchen “Eh, NA BY THE WAY NLIKUWA NMEKUMISS.” And our hunny responding, “HAHA, LEO NIMEJILETA SASA,” her eyes on the Samsung TV. Then silence.
Minutes later, the ugali beef and vegetable meal is ready. Dinner is served. They enjoy the meal occasionally glancing at each other lustfully. I can see Kip inching closer, picking a piece from his plate, directing it towards her mouth and saying “ebu onja hii,” and our girl tasting it and complimenting his dish and Kip feeling so proud. And Kip moving closer and closer.
Barely quarter past midnight, Kip is now fed up. Guy has been trying to let the hunny prove a point beyond her smart ass but does he get proven? Hunny says she has a boyfriend and can’t give her ‘forbidden fruit’ to anybody else. “What! After buying you maini? After exiling my roomie! After engaging my cookery gear just to make you happy! Girl, you better be kidding! Jesus! After changing into my newest boxers!” just but a few questions running in Kip’s head.
“Na sasa ulicome kwangu kufanya nini?”
“Si ku-have dinner, Kip,” hunny responds innocently. I was starting to feel for Kip and wished I was there to stand in front of her, pick the remote and pause whatever was playing on TV, or switch it off altogether, then ask the hunny “And what is dinner to you?” You don’t just make my boy google damn ass recipes to make you good food and later disappoint him.
Minutes to 1 am, (as in saa saba usiku) Kip orders an uber, ok I’m lying there. So Kip calls a nduthi guy, pays, then sees this chic off cause otherwise it was going to be a very loooong night in that house. Kip falls on his bed on his back with a loud thunder and sigh!