My alarm goes off at 5am. See, I’m an early bird who’d rather report to camp even while it’s still dark where half of the time there’s no particular reason of it. Okay, fine, I lie. Truth is, mahali hii Kenya imefika haina haja ya alarm, mtu anaamshwa na shida zake, na kama vidole, pia mashida hajitoshani! Wengine landlord, wengine majirani, wengine shule, wengine kazi, wengine girlfriends, wengine sponsors na wengine mabibi zao! We’ll look more into that at another forum but today I want us to look at five types of people that we should shame.
The Harambee chairpersons
These types of people are always social, know every udaku on their fingertips, have a thousand plus followers on Instagram, Facebook and three hundred plus contacts on whatsapp and phonebook (Forget twitter since kidogo they have no idea of how it works). In case of a local area harambee, they will always call you and made sure they have accompanied it with a text message invitation with a date, time and venue so that you don’t forget. But because you are a Kenyan with other oblivious primacies in mind, you decide to forget, so two days after the harambee, they decide to send you a long stupid text, “thank you so much for coming, your contributions were highly humbling, we even surpassed the target.”
Yes, with or without me, you made it so why try mock those who didn’t? Shame on you!
The astute friends
In your list of friends, they are the dumbest, give zero fucks about life, been on more relationships than their dental formula, to them, cha muhimu ni uhai and the least you’ll ever request something from but because hata simba akikosa nyama hula nyasi, you decide to call them to ask if they could lend you with some money and so not to be rude they always say, “aaah! Umechelewa, nimeitumia tu sahii! Ungenicall jana! Nilikuwa na cash.”
Then you should be sending me a proposal of how you spend your weekly money. Shame on you!
The slay queens
There are those ladies, slay queens to be precise you meet on the streets (note, it’s not that they are your friends by choice, it’s because alikunyima so, you decided to retain it at friends level as she keeps on visiting that kitambi guy to fill what you couldn’t), she’s well groomed, Brazilian hair, few make ups and a mutumba handbag. She literally look affluent on the outside. Everything is on fleek because she has to impress to in order to survive in this corrupt congested city and so not to make her day end bad, you decide to throw her a neutral compliment, “hii weave yako inakaaa poa.” I sincerely don’t know why but maybe because you might seem nothing to her, she decides to respond with, “imagine hata hakuna mtu anajua!” (Insert slay queen vocals). One wonders”kama yeye ni ng’ombe” since if no person has recognized that what are you to have? Shame on you!
These kind of passengers never mind their business at all, they love sitting next to the window or the middle seat of the driver so that they could be first to complain. While others are busy on their phones trying to find a way of overpowering the customary hefty traffic of the city, they are always busy glimpsing either directly or through the glasses’ reflection to see what you are doing on your phone and by any chance you catch them, they are always prepared with what to say and so, they’ll immediately throw a stupid question, “sasa hii jam imetoka wapi?” well my fellow citizen, watu wa Generl Motors wametoa gari zao zote, ndio hizi, in fact hapa mahali tuko, hii sio barabara, hii ni show room, shuka uangalie gari gani unapenda. Shame on you!
The shop keepers
Ni wachoyo by default, never want to help with change unless you have helped them before, you are their friend or you are a regular customer to their shop. In fact when you ask them for change of 1000, they will start stating their personal problems. “Leo hata sijauza kitu, ndio hata nafungua duka, vitu zilikuwa zimeisha kwa duka ndio nimetumana na pesa nilikuwa nayo, nimetoka kupeana change kwa mtu mwengine sahii tu!” etc. come on, who wants to hear your problems na hata zangu zimenishinda! I just asked for change, that’s it!