Dishi

This story is about me and some MMU hunny. A very gorgeous hunny. The kind of hunny that you’d think only feeds on yoghurt, bhajia, chipo, kuku, and such kinds of food. We’ve been admiring each other for sometime now. But before we proceed, I’ve something for ladies who think I just come here to make noise – that must be something to do with chapos. I’ll still repeat: the tested and proven surest way to a man’s heart is through chapattis, forget about booty and any other thing. Chapos! Well, listen to this conversation.

Me: So why the break up again?

Ken: That chic, with her round ass and everything nice, she couldn’t sit down and roll a kick ass chapatti even if to save a sinking ship.

Me: But at least she has a round ass everything nice, aye!

Ken: Of what essence is a fake round ass if it can’t roll a simple kick ass chapo on a pan!

Me: Hehe, come on bana, you mean you terminated the relationship just because she couldn’t make chapattis?

Ken: Listen bro (when a man calls you bro while addressing you, you ought to listen cause if you don’t, you might end up losing your nose to his blow. So I listened), it’s not a light matter as you think. Chapattis are a great deal bro. Anyway, so there’s this day my dad came over… Ok, let me start it properly. I’d been telling this chic to learn how to cook chapattis since we started dating. But do you think she ever took me seriously? Ok, get me well, I don’t dismiss people ati because they lack this or that. I don’t. And I believe nobody is perfect and there’s no problem with that. Hata mimi I have my flaws. (Guy looks at me possibly wanting to see my reaction, I nod in approval).

So because I loved her, after several futile attempts of asking her to learn how to prepare basic foods, I offered to demonstrate it. My first class was “demonstrating how to cook round, soft, tasty chapattis,” but was she really ready to learn? No sooner had I started kneading floor with the warm salt-sugar solution than she found the TV the most interesting thing in the house. Imagine you are teaching somebody how to dance salsa and instead, they decide to shift their attention to the young couple getting cozy on the table the farthest corner. Wouldn’t that suck? So she didn’t catch a single step afterwards. But you know what? (guy asks I, shake my head) By the time we were sitting down to have that meal, my chapos head already assembled 137 likes on her instagram. (Guy has so many stories, so you have to interrupt him all the time.)

Me: Enhe, fast forward now. So your dad visited, then?

Ken: Ok, so one time my dad visits and si you know men with chapos! So we are making chapattis for my dad’s sake. But you see, there’s one thing your parents will not want to see when they visit while your girlfriend is around – they will not want to see you getting all dirty in the kitchen while your girl is just sited fiddling with her phone. It’s just like that. Plus when your dad pays a courtesy visit, he expects that you will have some father-son time and reconnect. So I had some really hard time checking on this chic in the kitchen to ensure nothing went wrong and trying to prove to my old man that I was bringing home a kick ass female that had the best skills in the kitchen, etc. And you know the result? No surprises. Girl wiggles her butt to the living room to serve us black chapattis! Where has that ever happened? Kwani had her chapos been baked in Jupiter! Black chapos bana! She cooks such in front of my father! Naaaah! So yeah, we broke up bro.

Hehe, ladies! Chapos.

So about me and this hunny. I know we’d been admiring each other cause each time we met, there’s always the weird smiles and a way we looked at each other…. We later exchanged contacts and had been talking. So juzi when I’m just idling and googling funny stuff, her text drops in.

“Hey,,, busy?”

“Yeah, very…”

“Really?”

“Hehe, yeah. Looking up pictures of Selena Gomez and stuff, that kind of busy.. you know…”

“You are not serious! George!”

“Why now?”

“Well, nice time then”

“Hehe, come on!” I beg her.

“Was just checking on you anyways…” (Hey, and what is ‘anyways’?) Fifteen minutes later I was at her door knocking.

So we are locked in her room in Hostel / block B ( to avoid any speculations, let’s just leave the room details out, ama?). In her bed we lie, holding onto each other as music on the laptop drives the occasional awkward silence away. She sleeps on the lower bed. The only problem with this lower bed is that you can’t sit up straight, any time you raise your head, you hit the upper bed. So no, she’s not a Penthouse chic.

Her roommies are all out. After about 40 minutes of admiring each other, hunny gets under my checked shirt, looks straight into my eye and bites her lower lip. My hormones respond. I grab her waist, she effortlessly falls on me. Before we know it, the heat is so much to bear. Her lips float in the air craving for a kiss. It’s granted. She’s now panting. Within the same minute, her phone rings. She wants to ignore. I release her to pick up.

Unwillingly, she stands, adjusts her bra and reaches for the phone. It’s her brother calling. She picks it and you know what she does? Hunny talks in Kale the entire conversation (what a turn off!). The call lasts about 10 minutes. By the time she’s done, my nerves are so cold, I’m so hungry. She throws the phone away and comes for me again. Only this time round, I can’t rise to occasion. She tries all magic. Nothing! “Kwani nini mbaya?” she finally implores. “Aki si you talk to me! Hauni-feel?” she adds. I tell her that I had smoky-bun for lunch and looks like I’ve used up all its energy. That I’m now feeling hungry. Na sasa what much do you expect from a dejected hungry man? We think of walking to Chafua (food joint) but imagining that distance! What about the dust! What next? Call any friend that’s at Chafua to bring food – does it always work?

 

So she calls a few friends to do the delivery but all in vain. One is in hostel D, one is still in Rongai, the other doesn’t pick. She kneels over again and plants a peck on my left cheek before setting out for food, all this time my mind isn’t even in that room, it’s wandering somewhere in MMU looking for chapatti to devour. So she adjusts two-three things, walks to the closet and stands against that large mirror making her hair, she then picks some money from a drawer then, “Twende basi,” she commands. At this time I’m feeling so sorry for making her go through all this, but what can I do? I need food. I need energy. And I also need… well, you know.

Thirty minutes later, we are still queuing at Happy House (you guys know Happy House?), while I wait to be served chapo minji, she’s waiting for pilau and kebab. Mind you, we are not even close to being served. While Evelyn and Khalifa are busy receiving orders, Steve comes to my rescue (know people! hehehe) “Achoka nikupee nini?” Steve barks. She settles the bill. As we walk away wrapped in each other’s waist, I can feel the scorn on everyone’s eye. I can see I few guys pointing at me and saying “huyo venye ameshikwa hivyo, lazima amespend kwelikweli,” and another saying “utapata hata pengine huyo boy amekula pavi,” and a million other claims. But was I to care? In fact, though very tired, I held her waist properly.

But kwa bahati mbaya, while trekking  back to Block B to enjoy the meal(s), when we reached behind the pavilion kitchen, just about one meter from the AfroGas point (you know that shortcut, that place with two large white gas containers?), yeah. So when we reached there, two warthogs emerged from that point charging. I don’t know what happened next, I can only recall hearing this hunny scream. Then later hearing her saying sorry and telling me to stand up. Then her holding me up. All the food we’d bought was all on the ground.

But you know what? No more hustles, sahii you can order food from Chafua from any point in school and it gets delivered within minutes. Say your World Cup team has been crashed so you don’t want to walk around, or you have a chick and are so tired to trek to Chafua, you are busy with assignments and work and want food delivered at your doorstep, you just received a visitor that loves chapos or chipo and you don’t want any stress… It’s now easy. Just log onto DISHI App, order your food or snacks, and wait to be served like a boss. Ordering is so easy! You need the Dishi App for easy deliveries? Download it here.

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Achman is a Co founder - Creatives Kenya. Studied journalism and does a gazillion things. In descent places people know him as George Achoka. Email achoka@creativeskenya.com Get him on Twitte here:

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