Given my profession, I spend 107℅ of my time online. I spend all my time digging into people’s lives online. Checking the last time they posted a photo of themselves, checking the hotels and places they’ve checked in since 2019 kicked in, digging into their past, contrasting their IG life with their real life, etc.
So a few days ago, there is this Whatsapp status that I replied not knowing it was a game – a dare for that case. So this is how his status read `Tell me the month you were born and I’ll ask you a question.’ And because I’m nosy and sooo idle, I view it and punch in my month of birth, then my thumb kisses the send button. The guy is online. Blue ticks. A minute later, his text pops up (please read and understand what I’m about to explain because that’s the basis of this story). So the text he sent me was a 12-items text with each condition representing a month. Let’s say you were born in August so you read his text and reply, “August,” he will send you the text that has the 12 conditions then you will do what August says in that text. Like for this case, August says – Put a picture of me on your status. So you will be required to put his picture on your status, no bargaining, no excuses! Secondly, you will be required to upload the same question on your status to keep the game going. The question remains: “Tell me the month you were born and I’ll ask you a question.” Hope you’ve all understood.
So for me, uploading his pic on my WhatsApp status was no biggy because in the first place, nobody views my status updates. On a good day, my status attracts about 4 views (yes, four views) so I can as well post my nudes there and nobody will realise. So when I’m posting anything, I don’t need ati to block anybody for any fears. So even if I posted 100 photos of a fellow guy on my status, nobody would bring their ass into my inbox to accuse me of being gay. Nobody. So yeah, I put his photo on my status with no caption, in fact, I posted two of his photos, followed by the same question `Tell me the month you were born and I’ll ask you a question.’ Then I chill.
Six hours later, when I’m counting my ribs, my Whatsapp notification tone rings. And because I’m super idle as usual, I jump to the phone. It’s Joan, Joan Njeri – something else you need to know, me I save my contacts with people’s full names. I like it that way, like right now if you opened my contact list, you’d think it’s a class register. (Break)
If your ID reads Kennedy Ombima, I have no time struggling to shorten them to Ken or Kaka or Ombims. Cause come on, don’t you think I have better things to do? – I have Arsenal matches to watch, I have Clash of Kings to play, I have my ribs to count, etc. So when I get your contact, I will just punch your full name into the keyboard, save it that way and drop the phone in the pocket. Same thing to when your name is let’s say Mollentina Sisuma, as far as my contact list is concerned, it will be saved that way. There’s nothing like Molle, mara sijui Kevo, mara Jose. Kwanza the worst is calling yourself Kui when it’s supposed to be Wangui, or Sonny instead of Nyambura, really, what’s the relationship between Nyambura and Sonny? Or Johnny when it’s supposed to be John. Because now John depicts a cool guy, well dressed, collected and a guy that would drive from Langata all the way to Tuskys supermarket in Rongai to collect a 70 bob balance. But you all know what Johnny or Jonte entails, come on, you know. We cannot talk about that here. On the same note, I hear you call me Georgy and we are done. (Laughs)
Let’s get back to Joan Njeri, so si her text finds me counting my ribs? So I log onto WhatsApp and bump into one chat staring at me like I owe it money or something (Joan Njeri’s chat of course). Wait, who in their right senses gives their daughter such a combination of names? Ati Joan Njeri? Really! Anyway, it’s none of my business. So her text reads – “April.” And because I’m so forgetful and feeling sleepy and bored, I look at her text close to 30 minutes trying to think through what she means by April. April could mean so many things ranging from – she’s planning to have her daughter named April, to she got pregnant on April Fools Day, to, she cannot wait to see me in April, blah blah blah. But finally a thought hits me that maybe that was just a stray text sent to the wrong recipient.
Because she had proved not ready to follow up with a `Sorry, wrong text’ message, the curiosity in me compelled me to tap her chat with the aim of shooting “What The Hell Is Wrong With April, girl?” Only to realise it was a reply to my status. So I giggle a bit and turn to that other guy’s chat – the initial sender of the 12 conditions game, I copy that text, come back to Joan Njeri, paste it there and hit the send button. Now guys please listen carefully here again. If you miss this part you’d have missed this post. So by choosing April, rather by responding to my status with `April’, she was supposed to rate me on a scale of 1-10. That’s what April entails. She comes online, bluetick, after about a minute, typing. “2” she texts back. And that’s how I blocked her because even if I was to rate a cartoon, I’d give it a minimum of 5 out of 10, not 2.
Seriously guys, I don’t need to add anything here. You cannot jump into my inbox to tell me that out of 10 you can only give me a 2! Really. Oh! To the four guys that view my Whatsapp statuses, we just lost a fan. But to us it’s good riddance cause we cannot keep somebody that gives us a 2 out of 10 because that looks like a guy that would call you to tell you “nipigie.” But you guys should also stop laying such traps in the name of statuses bana. If it were not for one of you posting that dare we couldn’t have lost a fan.
Hahaha, guys thanks for coming over here again. It was fun having you around. We used to write such silly things the other side but we’ve grown a bit. If you are still thrilled by such articles, google George Achoka and click on the first (topmost) result. It will lead you to about 100 of those.
Oh! And if you have any relative called Joan Njeri, Jonte, or Johnny, tell them I’ve nothing personal with them. See you here soon.