Juzi, on my way to Ruiru, I boarded one of those big buses plying that route – kina Rukagina Sacco, Neo Kenya, Kenya Mpya, Runa, Latema… One of those. Then a few moments later, some shameless bugger wobbles in and shoots for the seat next to me. Then just before the bus took off, guy elbows my ribs and when I turn to him, he starts me off.
“Nimeoa bibi mwingine but ananisumbua sana.”
(Me thinking: so how I’m I supposed to help you, nikuje nimtoe kwako ama?)
“Hehe,” I replied.
“Ati nisiporudi nyumbani na samaki hata siezisoma katiba hiyo siku…)”
“Ubaya ata si m-beautiful,” the guy continued grumbling.
Man I hate that thing – why on earth would you scramble for space next to a fellow man in a matatu to start bothering him? Ok, get me right, if the bus is already full that the only free place to fix your arse is the seat next to me, then hapo no problem. But if I can count enough empty seats at the back and then you comfortably bring your foot to where I’m seated? That’s a no. Come on! I might not have a daily uber budget and stuff, but can’t you just let me sit next to a petit girl and enjoy my travel even if all through the journey we won’t exchange a single word? Or if you must sit next to me, can’t you just shut up and let me be? Can’t you? See, nobody wants to sit next to a disruptive little brat. Nobody wants to respond to questions of whether your new wife is likely to give you cute purple kids or not, that depends on the two of you – you and your new wife, not a stranger seated on your left in a matatu.
Talking of cute kids, don’t you guys think businesswoman Vera Sidica and Jack Juma (Otile Brown) are likely to give Kenya the hottest kids? Look, si they are both light-skinned now? Ama what do you think?
So of course I shifted to another seat at the back. To avoid further commotion and movements, I decided to join this plus size woman whose weight had already spilled over to the seat I was now targeting. But I didn’t care. I had to plant myself there. I had been yearning to know the type of men plus size women date, wasn’t that going to be the perfect opportunity for me? You ask how I’d know? Simple, the lady was so engrossed on the phone and occasionally, a smile would escape his lips as she typed away a few sentences. Meaning there was a sweet person the other end responsible for that and that’s what I wanted to confirm. Growing up, I had been told to learn at least one thing a day. I was so glad I’d learn something that afternoon – the kind of boys heavy women date in this city.
Did I mention that the hunny was so heavy she had already occupied three quarters of the second seat? I even started thinking she’d paid for both spaces. Anyhow with more than half of my ass suspended in the air (literally), I had to sit in a particular angle, my right leg strongly anchored on the floor to avoid being thrown out of the seat. Thanks to the smooth Thika Super High Way. But you see, the problem with this sitting posture is that I wasn’t able to peer into her phone and see the guy keeping her busy. Plus I was already blocking other passengers passage given the better part of me was all on the walkway. So I adjusted myself. I held my right arm firmly on the rails and sat upright.
Then of course the conductor comes to collect the dues. And with my already straining ass and right arm, I take hours reaching for my wallet (all this time thinking the hunny will feel sorry for me and pay so I can refund her baadaye, waapi!). At long last, I manage to pluck a five hundred Bob note from the wallet. Fare was 50. You know what happened? When I’m handing the 500 shillings note to the makanga, hunny looks at him, giggles then wagers “Ya mtu mbili!” At that moment I didn’t even interject cause it’s not like 50 bob could buy you a 64 inch Led TV screen or save a goat from drowning.
Ok, my surprise was that this hunny could speak ghetto lingua. All through I had been thinking this is one of those Daystar or USIU chics that spit the colonialists’ language Monday to Sunday. Hunnies to whom “Niaje?” sounds like the worst insult ever. Heck I bet these chics even dream and pee in English and French. So you get my disappointment when she says “ya mtu mbili” with the original accent of a perfect Githurai-born girl.
After the conductor left (of course with my balance), hunny doesn’t even say anything. Just goes back to her Infinix and continues giggling. Come on guys! Would she die if she just said “thank you?” Now look, I’m here seated on quarter of a seat, my entire sitting apparatus suspended in the air, straining so mush to balance and then again I pay your fare and instead of appreciating, you just go back to your phone like nothing happened! Being the cool guy, I resolved to chill. Then somewhere around AllSops, she caught me peering into her phone but I quickly managed to redirect my eyes to the window. Life moved on.
She caught me again a few more times but every time she did, I still managed to divert my attention elsewhere. And I did that severally because she couldn’t just get a free ride and still sit comfortably enjoying herself when the guy who paid fare was here going through hell. Heck, I hadn’t even got my balance from that conductor. He wasn’t in the vicinity either. I was worried.
At this juncture, the only two things I wanted was my balance and to see the guy that kept Mrs. ‘ya mtu mbili’ busy and happy on phone. And you know what? I finally caught one of her last texts “AM CuRRENTLy in nigeRia ,,,,, NITARUDI KENYA NEX WIK,,,, bat tuma tu kwa ile namba ingine” Girl is seated on my left in a Ruiru bound bus but tells some guy that she’s in Nigeria currently. And the guy believes!
Hahaha, I didn’t even bother asking for the balance from the conductor. Of what need is it asking for a 400 bob balance when fellow real mean are losing cows and thousands to afford Mrs. ‘ya mtu mbili’ from ‘Nigeria’ seated on left here?